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Wednesday, November 23, 2005


To whoever may be reading... what are you thankful for right now?

I guess I need to answer if I'm asking...
Sunny skies
A fun and funny family, despite all of our faults
Love in my life
My friends who I don't see nearly enough of
The great animals in my life
Artists who inspire me (just a few off the top of my head are here and here and here and here and a bunch here)
Finding a little speck of creative success this year and, therefore, my creativity
Finding a place that I want to join and be part of
Good books, even if I never finish them
The basics that a lot of people don't have (food, shelter, and beyond)
The gloaming light that falls down on one of those perfect evenings right before darkness moves in completely

Great quote:
Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfful to seek other than itself.
- Kahlil Gibran


Still so many thoughts and not enough focus.

This feeling needs to pass.

So glad it’s a short week, though everything feels weird.

I feel different, but achingly the same.

I think a change is about to happen; something big.

It’s probably going to hurt like hell and feel wonderful and heighten my awareness - open up my eyes. I’m sure fear will get in the way a bit so I’ll have to gently push it to the side.

But maybe I take it all away when I speak or write the words. Who knows?

The cold air this morning shocked me into my shell and it feels tough to leave now.

So cold outside and in it feels the same but different.

The pit is filling in but I’m not sure with what.

Tomorrow it will be that temporary filling of food and wine and conversation. Maybe some of those will be the real filling. The real thing. Though how do we know what’s real? So many things seems so different now… things change without our noticing and then it seems impossible to have it back the way it was, though I think that’s how life is supposed to happen. Change is good I know. It’s the fear that makes us fight it. We can’t get it back because it shouldn’t be that way usually.

I need to draw and write and paint. But nothing good is showing up on my paper and wood and cloth.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell

Friday, November 18, 2005

PHOTO FRIDAY - Imperfection

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Drum Month

November is International Drum Month... listen to some drums and feel the energy pulse around you and into you and out of you...

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Stuck and burnt

To create one's world in any of the arts takes courage.
~Georgia O'Keeffe

I'm stuck. I have no ideas...can't write, can't create, can't even think straight. I hate this. I know it will pass, but when? I have so many projects to work on and my ideas are crashing before they even fully form in my mind. Very frustrating. I am not taking it out in the best ways either... Ugh. I hope that getting through this week and getting all of my stuff together and priming my wood (for one project) will get the juices flowing. But I guess I need to not hope, need to just let go of the expectations and see what comes out. I may need to force myself to write for a day or two so that I can at least get something out! Whew. Exhausting.

3 things that make you happy:
creating something
great conversations that spark my soul and mind and heart
feeling at peace

2 things you looking forward to today:
beading with Allison
Reading in bed

2 long term things you looking forward to:
feeling at peace
finding my voice creatively

1 person you are going to appreciate:
Dave, for his many efforts at making things easy for me and for helping me out and for being patient and putting up with me

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Moments pass

After a futile and nasty argument (on email to top it all off!) about the Holidays and after jumping to conclusions and pulling out the claws, I feel upset and defeated.
Funny though, I happened to glance over at my Just for Today calendar right after sending off the last email of truce which I know is too late at this point....and this is what it said:

"I will concentrate on what's at hand."

Funny how often that little calendar says the perfect thing and how often I look at it at the perfect moment.

Started off the morning in the moment and enjoying everything. Walking down the hall at work, I was just enjoying my body and the movement and the smell of my tea lingering up toward my nose as I walked...completely in the moment. I'll try to get back there now. Wait, there is no try. I'm there.


The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
-Henry Miller

...isn't that so true?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Soft night

I'm feeling soft tonight.
I feel like there are all these little soft spots and empty pockets around me and in me and on me that are yearning to be filled up.
I'm missing places that I wish I could hold onto better, though I know that's really never the answer.
I'm missing friends who I don't speak to enough, don't see enough, don't laugh with enough.
I'm missing the ones who I fear I've let slip away.
I'm missing the ones I've held at arms length.
I'm missing the deep, into-the-wee-hours conversations that make you rethink life and the world and what you are doing in the next day or week or hour.
I'm missing freedom and lack of schedules.
I'm missing hours of fresh air each day and sitting to watch the sunlight in the trees change into the gloaming as night approaches.
I'm not sad though.
I just feel soft and a little achey for these things.
Maybe it's dream time...soft silhouettes and rich colors, sounds we never hear in waking life and fabulous touches unknown in the day...

Eight Easy Steps

Eight Easy Steps
by Alanis Morissette

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them
run away from you

How to keep people at arm's length
and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly
love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need
help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving
or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

How to hate women when you're supposed
to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're
really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you're a pray-er
and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies
by fears of success

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for
this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed
leader before you

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of
killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming
them for everything

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I happened to do this last night...mostly...then saw the Ill Fri topic this morning....

Ten for Tuesday - Ten Favorite Movie Characters

Ten Favorite Movie Characters (off the top of my head, I'm sure if I thought more these would change)

  • Marty, Beautiful Girls (Natalie Portman)
  • Igby, Igby Goes Down (Kieran Culkin)
  • Amélie, (Audrey Tautou)
  • Edward Scissorhands, Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp)
  • Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything (John Cusack)\
  • Randle Patrick McMurphy, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Jack Nicholson)
  • Lisa Rowe, Girl Interrupted (Angelina Jolie)
  • Veronica Sawyer, Heathers (Winona Ryder)
  • Lestat de Lioncourt, Interview with a Vampire (Tom Cruise)
  • Princess Leia, Star Wars (Carrie Fisher)
How should we respond when people disappoint us? Ignore it? Get angry? Get upset? Ignore THEM? Sometimes this is such a confusing situation... And what about when people tend to say things and then at a certain point their actions stop meshing well with their words? Is this just human nature? What about when the ideals and expectations they place on you don’t match those they put on others and those they sometimes place on themselves?

I guess we all do this to an extent. But at what point does it begin to interfere with who we are and what we stand for and respect? At what point are we compromising our expectations and ideals for others? Is this just a part of life and a part of relating with other humans? Imagine other animals behaved in this confusing and exhausting way?

So…how do we distinguish if we are disappointed in someone because we feel threatened in some way or if it’s deserved? Random questions from me today.

The weather is finally getting gloomy… I guess we can’t keep those sunny days in the 60s for too long or it would just be weird. But it sure was nice while it lasted! Autumn does rock! Now if I could just get rid of this sinus infection and cold maybe I can go enjoy it in the form of a hike! Bear Mountain? I’m also craving a day at the beach.

On a good side note, they put up a windmill farm in Atlantic City, NJ! Pretty freaking cool, huh? I was so happy and excited to hear this. Here is some info: For a set amount per month (from $5 to $20 I believe) you can partially supply your power from these windmills. How great is that?!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Friday loves Friday "Just for today" calendar says:
"I won't yell or swear or even mutter under my breath at other drivers"....

Hmmm. Well, this will be tough considering the fact that...
  1. I'm driving on the New Jersey Turnpike tonight
  2. I'm driving in NJ
  3. I'm driving in Bergen County, NJ
  4. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night - IF that
  5. I feel like poo
  6. I have PMS that's not quite raging but it may be there soon
  7. Did I mention I'm tired and I live in NJ?
But....there's a great chance that this weekend will be one of the most beautiful of the year. Sunny skies, cool autumn breezes, beautiful leaves, crisp breaths.
So that is what I'll think about. Even today was absolutely gorgeous so I'll try to breathe in today when some scumbag cuts me off. :)
I really have to stop using that word but it makes me chuckle everytime I do.

I'm scanning something at 1200 dpi and it's taking forever.... and green tea with madarine orange rocks my world!

I am babbly. I am done.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Paperdoll Blog

Just came across this blog and... I dig it. Paperdolls rock!


And they lay side by side
and atop each other,
none of them wanting
to shift a bristle or a bloom
for fear of destorying
the delicate balance
they found themselves in.

photo friday


Stuff your eyes with wonder . . . live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.
~Ray Bradbury

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Inpsired focus

Okay, so I’m feeling so inspired but I’m lacking focus. It’s a problem sometimes, really. It’s this weird feeling. I have so many ideas and all of this creative energy swirling inside and when I stop to think about it I enjoy a private little grin, but I can’t get the ideas out! I think what makes the focus even harder to achieve is the clutter in my life. There’s so much…STUFF… everywhere… And so many little things to do. Yes, I know, grow up. That’s life. But it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. So I will try to erase some clutter – or maybe just organize it.

I was reading Keri Smith’s blog today…about wandering. Wandering is so much fun! I used to wander and not think of time or things I need to get done. Used to wander a lot. On foot, inside, outside, driving (yes, it’s not so eco-friendly, but sometimes wandering in the car is oh so fun!) So I need to try to wander more and let go of the lists and timelines. And I need to go to the beach. The ocean has this power. Who knows, maybe it will force the focus into me without my noticing. Wandering on the beach and in the woods and even through unknown neighborhoods is good for the soul and the mind and the heart.

I’ll just keep trying to get my ideas out and hopefully things will get clearer. I think moving will help. And then I’ll really need to wander (maybe with a fun, cute friend of mine)…we’ll need to wander to explore our new place and to immerse and be inspired. Exciting stuff. Now I’ll try to get some of it out on paper.

One more thought, the sunshine helps everything.

Ten on Tuesday - Best Scary Movies

Ten Best Scary Movies

  1. Halloween
  2. The Shining
  3. The Ring
  4. The Grudge
  5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
  6. The Amityville Horror
  7. Scream
  8. Rosemary’s Baby
  9. The Others
  10. The Silence of the Lambs

And Jacob’s Ladder!

Ten on Tuesday