Change

Still so many thoughts and not enough focus.

This feeling needs to pass.

So glad it’s a short week, though everything feels weird.

I feel different, but achingly the same.

I think a change is about to happen; something big.

It’s probably going to hurt like hell and feel wonderful and heighten my awareness - open up my eyes. I’m sure fear will get in the way a bit so I’ll have to gently push it to the side.

But maybe I take it all away when I speak or write the words. Who knows?

The cold air this morning shocked me into my shell and it feels tough to leave now.

So cold outside and in it feels the same but different.

The pit is filling in but I’m not sure with what.

Tomorrow it will be that temporary filling of food and wine and conversation. Maybe some of those will be the real filling. The real thing. Though how do we know what’s real? So many things seems so different now… things change without our noticing and then it seems impossible to have it back the way it was, though I think that’s how life is supposed to happen. Change is good I know. It’s the fear that makes us fight it. We can’t get it back because it shouldn’t be that way usually.

I need to draw and write and paint. But nothing good is showing up on my paper and wood and cloth.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell