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Friday, April 14, 2006

Bored and bitchy

Ugh. The pit and the pendulum.

I'm so behind on the circadian creations. Hoping to catch up this weekend. I had off yesterday and today as well. Yesterday I had big plans for accomplishing things, but it didn't turn out that way. I did, however, clean out my car which was very much needed. I can't believe how much stuff I fit into that little car. It took me almost two hours just to empty it! There were things in there that I haven't seen since September. Now the goal is always to keep it clutter free but I can never seem to do that. I'll try again though. Enjoyed some margaritas, music, and wine with Marly and Erich and a yummy family dinner. Nice time overall. Went to bed early so I've already been up for a few hours which is nice. Apparently, I fell asleep before the bonfire. I never do this and am a bit bummed that I missed it. Perhaps there will be another one tonight. I'm not sure where I'll be but maybe I'll catch it. Going to see one of my best friends today. I haven't chatted with her in a while, so it will be nice and I get to have some of her mom's habichuela con dulce - yummmm - sweet beans. I love it! I'm glad I made these plans so that I don't just sit around and watch TV and brood and mope.

Things on my mind, so I definitely need to keep busy today. I'm feeling bitchy and insecure and scared and bored and frustrated. Cleaning/organizing/eliminating/hopefully simplifying today. I would also like to make some things but I'll have to see if I find the time today. I have been really bored lately. I haven't been mentoring (long story) lately which sucks. I miss the girl that I mentor and I miss that creative time that we spent together each week. That story is still open but I have no idea what's happening with that situation. I have had so much more time on my hands lately and I have done so much less with it. It's a catch-22 that I always tend to find myself in. When I have no time and am super-busy I get a ton done and make sure that I make time to be creative and make things. Now, that I am plan free I am doing nothing. Watching too much TV, getting plenty of sleep, and doing absolutely nothing. It makes me feel so cranky and bored. Ugh. I don't know. Just a crappy feeling. I don't know if I'm ignoring things or overanalyzing things or what. I can't seem to make sense of anything so I just go through the day-to-day monotony and ignore things. I don't even know if this post makes sense. I've said stupid things lately and been so irritable and quick to react and I hate it. I hate that feeling of lacking control in what I say. And what exactly is it stemming from? Fear I assume, coupled with frustration and that "on the outside" feeling. I just need to shut up, sit back, and draw or write or something along those lines.
I need something more...and quickly. I guess I'll go back to watching the Craft and throwing out clothing (don't worry - not really tossing in the trash - they'll go to Marly or salvation army or something like that).
Pondering the meaning of home, the feeling of together, the connections that I crave, the connections that I have, the feelings that are wrong and right and the decisions on which I should hold back and which I should let flow full force. Way too much pondering.
Back to boredom and filling it with visual mindless entertainment. Wishing this post was more brilliant, eloquent, witty and interesting and pondering if I should just delete it...One of those days.


At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Mikey said...

even angels are allowed 2 feel human sometimes....they just have wings 2 fly away with and i don't think thats fair :(

At 1:33 PM, Blogger Brody said...

Well, at least you didn't delete it. I felt a bit of your day lately, I just don't have the skill to decribe it. I went to the frickin IRS today to get tax form because I haven't done my taxes yet and boy was that hell, some lady talked to me for a half an hour about COMPLETE FRICKIN INSANITY!!! Doing my taxes, that is. I didn't understand a word of it! The only point that she got across was that I would be definately paying taxes and not getting any returns, so that sucks!!! I left feeling pissed off and thinking 'why do I have to pay taxes? I'm completely broke?' Basically, it was a rude introduction into the approaching burden of personal finances that I DO NOT, NOR WISH TO, UNDERSTAND. So that was horrible and I am thinking about living in the woods in a makeshift cabin in the middle of nowhere and never working again, probably starving to death. Bye!


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